Incoming!
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?
There was nothing left but de Brie
#644: A woman goes to buy a parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks "Why is the last one so cheap?" "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Dave, haven't seen you for weeks!"
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. By the way…
…that was not a question.
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
What’s the difference between three cocks and a joke?
Your mom can't take a joke.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick!
..I had no idea anyone could stoop so low!
What is the benefit of living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus
We don’t need facemasks for corona anymore
we can use coughy filters
Whatβs the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded
I can Nazi
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink …..
so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
How do locomotives know where they’re going?
Lots of training
How do u spell CANADA?
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
(NSFW) A bra, some jumper cables and a battery walk into a bar…
They grab a table and sit down, so the bra says it'll get the first round. It goes up to the bartender and says "3 beers please mate" Bartender replies "no way, you're off your tits and your mates are going to start something"
A snake walks into a bar
The bartender asks "How the hell did you do that ?"
What’s the definition of a reverse exorcism?
It's when you ask the Devil to get the priest out of your little boy
βDad, is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?β
βNope. Itβs as easy as 1,1,2,3.β
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, βOf course.β To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesnβt hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, βYou know, when I was your age, Iβd hit the ball right over that tree.β With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. βOf course,β says the old man, βwhen I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.β
What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn’t from there?
An artificial swedener (((Or "Swede-ish" as another user suggested)))
What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?
The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Why was the poor man selling yeast?
To raise some dough
Did you know the first French fries where not made in France?
They where made in grease.
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you." So I'm pretty excited for 2020.
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
“YOU’LL SEE! THEY’LL ALL SEE!”
– said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd. (credit goes to my mom)
I went into a Chinese takeaway last night
The owner of the shop said, What do you do for a riving? I said, What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian. So the Chinese chap says, Go on then, change color. I said, No. I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian. So then he says, Tell me a joke, make me raff. I said, You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh? Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, Wok. Wok. And he said, Who der?
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber
… to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep β a dozen rabbis!
A frog goes into a bank
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." Edit: Woohoo!!! My most upvoted post ever! Thanks everyone. Hope you are coping through the Covid-19 challenge. Good luck out there.
By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
My therapist warned me that I am getting addicted to downhill skiing.
She said, βItβs a slippery slope.β
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.