Incredibly credible.
What do you call a chubby midget?
Low fat.
I bought coconut shampoo the other day…
When I got home, I realised I didn't even have a coconut.
It’s hardly known this, but one of Shakespeare’s characters actually died at childbirth.
It was Othello… and then Othgoodbye.
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
Several copies of The Age of Reason and Common Sense fell on me.
I'm in a lot of Paine.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
When you say “poop” your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.
The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."
What do seismologists eat for breakfast?
Panquakes and shakin'
A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat
The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!" The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!" Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during your jobs as I do." After a short, irritated silence the blonde finally dares to ask: "So, what do you do?" "I'm a mortician."
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name
'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
I like the guy who wrote “What Is Love”
He really Haddaway with words.
A German Shepherd, Doberman, and a cat die and go to heaven.
God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master". God says " this is good, you can sit here at my right hand." Next God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left." Finally God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies "I believe you are in my seat".
How do u spell CANADA?
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt…
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it. 2.) They LOVE chocolate.
A new leaked photo from Nasa reveals an actual photo of Australia taken from the ISS.
https://ift.tt/3361wXD
Before going to bed, a little child asks his dad a question.
"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"? The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise…'"
My 8yr old daughter got me with “I can breathe under water”
She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.
Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?
Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus. Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit. Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
My ex and I had a safe word
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
I’m divorcing my wife…
"I've had enough, I'm going to leave her." "Why?" "She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past mightnight and I'm fed up with it". "What's she doing?" "She's looking for me!"
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
Timmy was being raised by his single mother
When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands. It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoing hormone therapy, and finally having the surgery. Timmy was very supportive during the whole process. Even when he was teased by some kids at school. But eventually the process was complete and they decided to have a nice dinner to celebrate. But dinner was ruined. Timmy’s dad just kept making terrible pun after terrible pun. That’s when it hit Timmy like a ton of bricks. He asks “Did….did you go through all this and even get a sex change just so you could make Dad jokes?!” Timmy’s dad replies “Ahh shit, you see right through me. I guess I’m just….transparent”
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
I can cut wood just by looking at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
I cannot eat shrimp, lobsters and clams that have been cooked by heated water vapor….
I have shellfish steamed issues.
The Naked Hippie
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol. A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude….cut me some slacks." The end
