Inhaling Seagull
Why can’t T-rexes clap?
Cause they’re extinct
A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk…
His wife was up waiting for him… "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
You should never trust umbrella companies
They run a shady buisness
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old
I'm finally above average for something
Why was the virgin left hanging?
No text found
Alabama has decided to force women to carry babies conceived by rape and incest, to term.
Because if they didn't, the state's population would die out pretty quickly.
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock knock jokes?
He won the no bell prize
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.
What does a panda use to make pancakes?
A pan…duh
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
Johnny and Ruth are biking down a hill.
Ruth hits a tree. Johnny decides to continue on. Ruthlessly.
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it
I think I managed to cover my tracks
Why do fish always sing off key ?
You can’t tuna fish
Women are like grenades…
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
My math teacher called me average…
How mean.
Who’s Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…
My son told me he had a hole in his shoe today
I said yes son, that's where you put your foot in
You know what tv show predicted Trump’s election?
Orange is the new black.
A raisin, a peanut, and an oat sit down and order a drink.
The bartender says, “what do you think this is, a granola bar? “.
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Did you hear about the guy who ate bananas whole?
He didn’t peel too well
Why is booze better than carrots?
Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians
I snuck up behind my daughter and whispered, “I think our microwave and our TV are spying on us!!! And I also think our vacuum cleaner…”
"…has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.
I thought we had good alchemy.
Why is the dark side of the moon dry?
Because the other side has all the moonshine
My utility belt is empty…
Now it's just a waist of space.
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
I love the way the earth rotates
It really makes my day.
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)