Ink jet printers “inject” ink onto paper.
My dad died last year because I couldn’t remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying be positive, but it's been really hard without him.
“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t for the life of me figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He took her hand and said, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then. . .” he sighed, . . .“let’s put all of these Frosted Flakes back into the box.”
Who am I to diss a brie?
The pharmacist replies “are you really going to need 3?” The young lad says “yeah, I’ve got a meal at my girlfriend’s place tonight and I think her mum and her sister both fancy me so I’m gonna smash all three of them, they’re really sexy!” The pharmacist gives him the condoms and says “lucky you!” Later that night, the young lad is sat at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her mum and sister when her dad comes in and sits down at the table. The young lad sinks into his chair and starts to pray. The girlfriend says “I didn’t know you were religious.” The young lad replies “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”
4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off. The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals— the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins". "What do you mean?" asks the dentist. "Well… if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now." The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life." The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?" The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free." The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?" The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide." "Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance." The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. It's unbelievable. The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died." The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."
The old guy put his hands in the pockets of his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.” “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.” “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.” “After that,” the old rich man continued, “I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on.” “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
It's not hard
It was tense.
No, wait, she's back – she was just making lunch.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.
I told them it was because they came out of the closet
Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever. Too bad life is short.
I have no shelf control.
Quacks in the pavement.
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron. "Yeah…that too," says Harry.
Somebody who stays up all night, debating whether or not there is a dog.
I won't be able to live with myself.
Therapist: So what brought you two here? Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally? Therapist: What about you? Husband: A car.
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.
I learned next to nothing.
The Toe Truck (Tow Truck)
Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful!” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked little Michael. "Giving up?"
Girl: I have a boyfriend. Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow. Girl: What does that have to do with anything? Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.
But none of them work.
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
I gave him a glass of water.
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?" Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.
I'm not sure why… I wasn't even talking!
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.
It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.
He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools – Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father, "Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?" "Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all." "What about Hampden-Sydney?" "Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident." "Well, Alabama has to have something, right?" "Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances of getting laid are pretty relative!"