Ink jet printers “inject” ink onto paper.
Ask Reddit be like “If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?”
I'd choose alive. Weirdo.
I asked the clerk where the Terminator action figures were
She said "Aisle B, back".
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around”
"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home." So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?" And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet – I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear." "Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole." "Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?" "I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her." "Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?" "Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.
A man has been at the Pub all night drinking
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand. It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting. 'So… you've been out drinking again!' 'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame. 'The pub called– you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot.
I met a girl with 12 nipples..
Sounds funny, dozen tit?
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates…
St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl, "So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool of holy water before them and then she may enter heaven. Next, "So Christine, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Christine says, "Well, I once fondled a man with my hand." Peter tells Christine to dip her whole hand into the holy water to enter. Suddenly, there's a commotion coming from the back of the pack of girls, where Agatha is pushing her way up to the front. "Why so eager Agatha?" Agatha responds: "Cause if I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I'm going to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!"
What genre are national anthems?
Country music.
I named my horse “Mayo”
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
I never know what to do during long flights…
… they're just so Boeing
Nobody likes my joke about paper
It's tearable
I got a job as a bullet
But I was immediately fired.
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
Here’s some advice for all men
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.
Yeah me too.
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
Which vegetable likes to line up the most?
A queuecumber
The word nun…
…is just the letter n doing a forward roll.
What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a latter and the latter is a former.
Two conspiracy theorists arrive in heaven
God says to them, “I will tell you anything you want to know” One of the conspiracy theorists asks, “who shot JFK?” God responds, “it was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone” The conspiracy theorists turn to each other, “this is bigger than we thought”
“Also the whole company depends on this project working smoothly, so no pressure!”
https://ift.tt/36Y4ApK
In his grandfather’s overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955
A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90. In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955. In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see that the shoe shop was still in business and is still at the same location. The man enters the shop and starts talking to the owner. The owner explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life. The man gives the ticket to the shop owner and he heads into the back of the shop just to see if the shoes are still there. After some time he returns from the back of the and exclaims "Amazingly I was able to find the shoes! They will be ready on Monday."
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that’s not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
A Jewish man sent his son to Jerusalem for vacation.
Upon his son's return, the father finds out that his son has turned Christian! So, the father goes to his friend for emotional support. He says “Ethan, I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian”! “That’s odd…” His friend said, “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian too”! They both decide to go to their Synagogue and talk to the Rabbi. “Rabbi, Ethan and I sent our sons over to Jerusalem, and they came back Christian”! “That’s odd…” the Rabbi said “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian too”! Utterly dumbfounded, all three of the men decide to fly over to Jerusalem to see if they can get any answers. The three men arrive in Jerusalem and looked around for the better part of a day and found no clues. So, they go to the West wall and kneel down. The Rabbi prays, “Oh, God! Give us wisdom. We sent our sons to Jerusalem, and each one came back Christian”! As they were kneeling, God said, ”That’s odd…” Edit: a word
How do you know if a sniper likes you?
He misses you
How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?
A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.
How does an octopus go into battle?
Well armed