My wife gets mad when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A – meano -acid
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment…
8 Cyber-Security Blunders told through GIFs
Working in IT can all be very exhausting. For all the chief information security officers (CISOs), IT directors, technicians, and any other IT administrator out there grappling with these complex issues, this blog can hopefully bring a smile to your face on a topic, that can typically be exhausting.https://ift.tt/33YMqDH
What do you call an unvaccinated toddler’s tantrum?
A mid-life crisis
My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.
Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?
They use their Endor voices.
Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
Where do bad rainbows go?
Prism.
My dad always told me I can’t get a wife overnight.
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
As an Aussie, I feel sorry for my American friends and their government
After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade
Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular
No text found
If you push the envelope…
…is it still stationary?
Why isn’t “Dark” spelled like “Darc” instead?
Because You can't c in the dark
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?!”
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all…..
After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt. "I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and wondered if you'd like to come." Why sure, that sounds like fun! It's pretty lonely out here in the wilderness. "Ok, anytime after 9. Oh, and there's going to be some drinkin' going on." That's no problem, I like a drink myself. "OK, could be some fightin' too" Heh, well, I know how to take care of myself. I'll be careful. "And sure to be some sex too." Well, I've been pretty much alone for 6 months, so that sounds like just what I'm looking for! Any suggestion on what to wear to the party? "Wear? Wear what you want, it's just you and me."
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.
It was a stage he was going through.
My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing…
Probably because it's a Dell
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.
I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”
I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work
They said the customers complained about my hanging dick
What would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?
There would be mass confusion.
Naked painting
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.
With a silent “cr”.
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you … you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said “Employees must wash hands”
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding
He said "suit yourself."
Another one of those “impeachable if it was any other presidents” to throw on the pile.
https://ift.tt/2CtoYkV
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
Grandpa: What has 4 legs but is not alive?
A boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa: It's your dog, he is dead Jimmy
I took a class about origami and gambling
They told me “you gotta know how to hold em, and how to fold em.” 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️ Dad out.
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G