Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
What do you call a teacher who doesnβt fart in public?
A private tutor
Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar…
https://ift.tt/2tNUDsZ
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.
I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s keys in the door. “Stay where you are”, she said. “He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice”.
The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept. A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue. The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He didn't move at all. They did it. A couple of hours later, she repeats the process – he is still passed out – they repeat the pairing. Then Just before dawn the wife wants one more ride. So she reaches over and plucks a third ass hair! Whereupon the husband looks at the lover and says, "I don't mind you screwing my wife but do you have to keep score on my ass??
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.
That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere. As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor. The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line. As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque. Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on… "These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home." The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments. After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives. "Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?" "Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
A cannibal at the office had trouble finding his lunch…
So I offered to lend him a hand
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
I’m going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.
Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.
Iβm ok with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Is buttcheeks one word…
Or should I spread em apart?
Where do you go to buy used coffee machines?
Keurigslist
I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant..
..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.
I adopted a dog that used to belong to a blacksmith.
First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door.
Dad: *Rubs couch* “Is this satin?”
Mom: "It's clearly not." Dad: Sits down "It is now!"
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if itβs a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if itβs a b- me: Himbert
I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
If I had a Delorean…
I would probably only drive it from time to time.
I wish I had the sexual power of snow.
People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.
I got caught masturbating with a pickle.
I was Gherkin off
Why did the medium cross the road?
To talk to the other side
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.
Well the jokes on them β theyβre imaginary too.
i just invented a new word
its called Plagiarism
My new girlfriend just told me what her fetish is, but Iβm too embarrassed to tell my friends.
But I better get this shit off my chest.
A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.
A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes. βHave you ever had a hug?β She asked. βNo.β So with an βawwβ, she gave him a big hug. Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man. βAw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?β βNo.β He says. She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss. Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past. βOh you poor thing…Have you ever been fucked?β βNo.β βWell you will be soon, the tides coming in.β
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
How do you search for Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.
When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said: "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off. Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him. After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the newspaper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up!"