Inspirational Tea
99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around…
129 bugs in the code.
I’d give my left bladder to be better in anatomy class.
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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe." Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
McCain: Held as POW during Vietnam War Trump: Evaded Vietnam War, now hides in bunker
https://ift.tt/2UpdAjr
I said βWaiter, how long will my spaghetti be?β. He said …
βI donβt know we never measure itβ
Iβm so excited! Scientists have tested cloning on humans.
Im beside myself
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasnβt her…
βBack in 02β I said, Sounds much better than February.
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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White people donβt shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
4 20
20, 20, 20, and 20.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
A Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
You’ve been elected president of the phobia society.
I was afraid of that.
[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me…
Groom: After me.. Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious? Bride: No, his name is Mike.
I’d make a Sodium joke but……Na
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What do you call a hundred centipedes?
A dollarpede
Gandhi
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them. I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what Iβm trying to say is that Iβm pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.
I have a fear of two letter words
I get scared just thinking about it!
And the Lord said onto John ” Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.
The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes. The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following: 1) she wants 10 million dollars 2) she wants to be 18 years old again 3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year old human male After she finishes asking for her wishes, the fairy bursts in a bright flame and disappears. The woman is blinded for a short while but soon she can see again and realises that all her wishes have been granted. She sees on the floor that there is a large open chest with stacks of money in it. Looking to the mirror on the wall, she is thrilled to see she is now youthful and very beautiful and she also realised that she is feeling very frisky indeed. Finally she looks to where her cat was sleeping by the fire and amazed, she sees that he is now the most handsome man she has ever seen. Slowly he stretches and then smoothly stands up in one cat like flowing motion and looks intently into her eyes. Her heart starts to race and she noticed that his eyes are the same bright orange that they used to be when he was a cat. Tentatively, worried she might break the wishes, she say, βHi Tiger, how are you feeling?β Tiger continues to stare at her for a few more seconds and then he says, βWell ducky, I bet youβre feeling really stupid that you got me fixed all those years ago!β
How Long is a Chinese name
No seriously, it is
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.
https://ift.tt/2MoevNG
Nearly had sex with a Ladyboy last night…
Picked him up in a night club. He looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!…. That's when I thought "Fucking hell there's something wrong here"
A man goes to visit his friend…
and discovers that his friend has turned into an arrangement of shapes closely fitted together, forming a repeated pattern without any gaps or over-lapping. βWhat happened?β he asks, mortified. βI came here to see if you were self-isolating and…β βOh shucks!β said the friend, βI thought you told me to self-tesselate!β
I never quite understood dolphins…
I mean, whatβs their porpoise?
One plant says to the other, hey, are you hungry?
Well, I could use a light snack.
Husband to wife. βWhy donβt you tell me when you orgasm.β
Wife, βI donβt like calling you at work.β
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."