Inspired by a recent post
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.
The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened. Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am? Motorist: What's an ID? Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it. The motorist digs around her purse and pulls out a mirror. The cop takes it, thoroughly examines it, and hands it back to the motorist, saying: "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop!"
A guy sits down in at a bar and asks for a bowl of hot chili…
The bartender says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
Why was Santa’s sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’
Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’ I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
Whenever I’m sad my friend always says “cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water”
I know he means well… Edit: WOAH! my first silver. Thank you anonymous stranger!
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one
How do you cut the ocean in half?… you use a sea saw
You use a sea saw!
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
How do you learn how to talk to a lady?
Ask your mother
Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!" They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?". They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!" As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air. Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
My wife was really pissed when I told her I spent $1,000 on a new wallet……
I told her not to worry I’ll definitely get my money out of it.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
I am staying at a hotel and watched a great movie last night with lots of cowboys, gunfights, and drinking.
It was the Best Western I’ve ever seen.
Someone: “If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should’ve been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19”
My response: "144? That's a gross"
My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
Bilbo Baggins woke up suddenly to “Don’t stop believing!”
It was an unexpected Journey.
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together
Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
What is muffins spelled backwards?
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
Today I learnt that humans eat more bananas than monkeys
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom, and I was shocked! "Honey, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite Star Wars character" I said. "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed you asshole!"
What do you call a good swimming pun?
A stroke of genius
The ground floor of buildings are really terrible.
The next floor, however, is a different story.
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Because bugs are attracted to light