Inspired by a recent post
Wife and I got a flat tire driving back from the farmer’s market
I should have bought asparagus
My teenager took his driving test today and managed to get 8 out of 10.
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
What do you call the verses added to a song to make it longer?
Extension chords
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
I got the words, “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
3d printers can print guns now!
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I don’t have enough karma
My Girlfriend said last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”.
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol…
One gent stops to discuss the matter: “See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?” “Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing. “Well listen- wouldn’t it make a little sense if you at least tried some before you knocked it?” The nun thinks about it, then says- “Perhaps you’re right.” “Okay! Now we’re talking! What would you like to try?” “I’ve heard something about a… Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon.” “Comin’ right up, Sister!” The guy walks in and orders a Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon. The bartender goes- “A Fuzzy Navel with a twist of le— IS THAT NUN OUT THERE AGAIN?!?”
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But do you know what Cole’s Law is?
It's a side dish made from thinly sliced cabbage.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with massive boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Do you know why there are fewer ‘all men are trash’ posts now?
Christmas is coming
What did the nut say when he was chasing the other nut?
I’m a CASHEW!
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
A man accepts a job in a village with no women
Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So… How do you guys do when you need to have sex? -There is a donkey close to the river for that. The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the donkey with them, he accepts. When he is close to the donkey, the man puts down his pants and one of the other locals yells: -What you doing!? -Aren't we…? Going to do the donkey thing? -We going to ride the donkey across the river so we can get to the other village where we can meet women. EDIT: That's the first time I ever got gold, thank you!
Casualty of War
https://ift.tt/2K74qmF
A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.
“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
The sweater I got for Christmas was picking up static electricity. So I went to the store to return it.
They gave me another one. Free of charge.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice…
Didn’t really work though, I only got 20% off
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
What is the phobia of chainsaws called?
Common Sense
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
Does my wife think I’m a control freak?
I haven’t decided yet…
I’m developing a game which simulates your parents using the internet.
It's called the Elder Scrolls Online.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,
until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
