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I keep hearing people say “sweet Jesus”…
…but if you ask me he tastes saviory
I ate a watch once…
It was so time consuming.
I broke my finger at work today…
On the other hand, everything is OK
Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
Why was the poker player’s closet messy?
Because he never wanted to fold
Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
When she noticed me, we went for a run
The Police
Police:Where do you live? Percy: With my mum Police:Where does your mum live? Percy: With me Police: Where do you both live? Percy: Together Police: Where is your house? Percy: Next to my neighbor's Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Percy: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me Police: Tell me Percy: Next to my house
What kind of music do elfs listen to
Wrap music
To the person who stole my glasses IM WARNING YOU!!
I have contacts
My brother’s first dad joke
This just happened 2 minutes ago. I’m visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say: “Don’t spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next year” Ps. He’s been a father for 5 years now
The UK trialled switching to the dollar…
/r/Jokes/comments/f0k1ay/the_uk_tested_switching_to_the_dollar/
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
Recently broke my thumb, I asked the nurse if I’d be able to play the piano?
She said I would I said that’s good I couldn’t play it before.
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator
I was wrong on many levels
How to nail a job interview
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass… "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
He was afraid of Capitalism.
What’s all this nonsense about nothing flying at Gatwick airport.
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
To the person who stole my selfie stick…
…You need to take a long look at yourself.
I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward
Man being a teacher is hard
My wife’s favorite song is “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it’s on the radio…
I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…"
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven….
1st Woman: Hi, Wanda! 2nd Woman: Hi Sylvia! How’d you die? 1st Woman: I froze to death! 2nd Woman: How horrible! 1st Woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I can home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching tv. 1st Woman: So, what happened? 2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st Woman: Too bad you didn’t check in the freezer…..we’d both still be alive! My father everyone! 😁
Got an ice cream for my girlfriend
Best trade i ever made.
A piece of rope walks into a bar
He asks for a drink, and the bartender responds sorry but we don't serve your kind here. So he calmly walks back outside, ruffles out the top of his head and turns himself around and over then walks back inside and back to the bartender. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, aren't you the rope that was just in here a second ago? To which he says no, I'm a frayed knot.
I love how the Earth rotates
It makes my day
62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital “Loo-uh-vul”, while 38% say “Loo-ee-ville.
Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.
I don’t always tell Dad jokes, but when I do he laughs.
No text found
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
There are three stages of sex after marriage:
Tri-weekly. Try weekly. Try weakly.
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!
I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Its not hard
“I went on a date with a girl to Yo Sushi,” said my buddy.
"How was it?" I asked. "Oh, you know…when one things lead to another…" he said coyly. "Yes," I replied. "That's called the conveyor belt."
One day, little Bobby’s parents decided to have sex
So to get him out of the house they tell him to go to the balcony and count the number of red cars on the road, Bobby says sure and goes out. After they've finished having sex they call him inside and ask him " So how many red cars did you see?", Bobby says " I didn't see any red cars but I found out our neighbours Mr and Mrs Smith were fucking" his dad laughs and says "That’s funny, did they leave the curtains open?” In return, Bobby says out loud, "No I saw their son on the balcony counting red cars"