Instagram comments make great captions
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
My friend with the lazy eye just lost his job as a teacher.
He had a real hard time controlling his pupils.
Ralph came home drunk one night
slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’ Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’ Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’ ’Never, ’ said Ralph. ’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’ Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . . "Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You've shit the bed"
“Push harder” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor…
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. "Screw you" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought…… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
A Roman walks in a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says:
"I'll have 5 beer please."
Why dont eagles and eels breed?
Because its eeleagle.
Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice…
Except Chris Brown
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
I had a dream that I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
Why 69 was afraid of 70?
Because once they had a fight and 71.
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.
What is the first rule of stealing someones shoes.
Pick on someone your own size.
I met a snooty dude at a party in Boston, and I asked him “Did you go to Harvard?”
He said, “Yale”. I said, “I SAID, DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?”
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
I have lots of Kenny Rogers jokes, but in light of his recent passing, I won’t tell them.
You gottta know when to hold 'em.
Why was Trump unable to hang himself?
It was fake noose
My grandad asked me how to print on his computer…
I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out. "What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!" Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot." Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!" "Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…"
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.