Instagram comments make great captions
The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like she's never seen a penis before.
An advice was given to a depressed car
It was: you have no more energy to live, you just need to fuel more yourself.
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
A penguin is driving his car
A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream."
Are ya winning son?
What if we did it like this?
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
no one could have predicted this
A man walked into a bar.
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
This might be why…
only one thing…
Just like it’s coder.
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
Wait no hang on
What’s happening to him?
Friends are like snowflakes:
When you pee on them, they disappear
The Master Programmer
Trump’s whole presidency in one poster
One of my hair accessories is angry and it’s amusing to watch, but I don’t know what to do now.
I don't want to comb placate things.
I got 3 out of 3!
People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
I went to Legoland last week
People were lined up for blocks
It’s almost like price gouging should be illegal
Younger generation dumb – sent from my iphone
I’m hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.
My history teacher
The only consistently good boomer humor
Whelp.. There goes my childhood
I don’t care until it happens to me!
What is the difference between two lions surrounded by crops and the part of a person’s arm extending from the elbow to the wrist?
One's a forearm. The other's a roar farm.
It was the real “perfect call”, She can easily do 293 days
My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old…
… but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.
A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
I got gas today and it only cost $1.39!
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
Tried to come out as depressed to an ESL coworker during a pandemic.
One day I would love to have sex in Space.
Or on Earth.
And so it goes…
They look like Muppets
Another old meme
How to build a national database
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
Trump supporters be like
Females are just males…
but with more iron.
It was easy to stop girls from eating Tide Pods.
It was harder to deter gents.
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense. Irish cop says,"License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a com- plete stop. License and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "
An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome
An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk: Time traveler: Do you have XL togas? Clerk: Well, yes. But why do you need so many?
Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
The Junior Devs Anthem
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her" The man said, "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes," I tried, but I cant kill my wife." The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife home. Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks he said. I had to strangle that bitch to death."
Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
Always accuses others of that which HE’S MOST GUILTY OF.
I think my wife is a time traveler
I've seen that doctors are saying you should avoid close physical contact to stop the spread of coronavirus. Somehow she knew about this years ago.
Goodwill thrift store find
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
Be the towel…
Kids only care about Netflix
What happened to our* party?! 😟 #NeverTrump (*I’m no longer a Republican)
probably will become the most hated video..
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
What do you call a cheap cicumcision?
A rip off.
Good boomer humor
Not sure if this fits here
I went to a bait and tackle shop the other day
They lured me in the door and then knocked me down.
You shouldn’t see any horror movie today
It May, Fri 10 you