Instagram is a freaking morgue
If I had a Delorean
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
How does an ant put on a tie?
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
I am reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it…
A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer.
A great mom turns off the mixer first.
So I walked into a weight loss clinic once and spilled an entire box of milk duds all over the floor…
It was the best game of hungry hungry hippos that I had ever seen!
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket…
A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again. The hostess leaves to go get help from other attendants. Multiple women try their luck at explaining to the blond that she's in the wrong seat, but none prevail. Eventually, they seek the help of the Captain. "She's blonde, you say?" queried the Captain. The hostess' nod. "Shouldn't be an issue, my wife is blonde" The Captain gets up and approaches the woman – the hostess' watching from a distance. After a few seconds the blond quickly gathers her things and heads back to her seat. The Captain returns to the hostess'. Amazed, they ask how he did it. "It's simple, really" he said, "I just told her first class wasn't flying to Detroit" My mate told me this one when we were in 4th grade, I randomly just remembered it so I thought I'd share. It's not laugh-out-loud funny, but I think it warrants a short exhale out the nose <3
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero…
The Invisible man!
Well It’s 1 for the Money, 2 For the Show, 3 To Get Ready…..
4 For Sales 5 For Customer Service or 6 to hear these options again
Action Jackson can’t cry! That’s what’s goin’ down! ~Kirk Lazarus
Action Jackson can’t cry! That’s what’s goin’ down! ~Kirk Lazarus
I’ve just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.
It's a step-by-step guide.
What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?
They'll get over it.
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you won't get bored there
When you realize your coke baggie is stuck to your phone during a family photo
https://ift.tt/2ocMz5Y
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
I snacked on fire ants and now I have heart burn!
Guess I should take an antacid….
Did you hear about the farmer that won a Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field.
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike
I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity
The Furniture store kept calling me.
All I wanted was one night stand.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
Anyone want to help me make a TV show about Abraham Lincoln?
The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.
Why don’t birds recognize each other?
They are in da skies.
People have called me a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off…
She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.
Be Careful Standing On One Leg At The ATM!!!!
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
Why did the melon have a traditional wedding?
Because it cantaloupe.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting.”
I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash…
They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused. "My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free of sin". Eager to return to their lives the men all agree, and POOF they appear back on Earth. They stand awestruck, wondering if what they had just experienced was real or just a dream. The thief notices a woman walking with an expensive looking purse. Convinced that he had only imagined the gates of heaven he rushes and attempts to steal the purse and POOF he disappears. Realizing what just happened the others understand that they must truly live without sin. The Irishman looks to his left and sees a pub. "One drink won't hurt" he says as he orders a pint. He lifts the cup to his lips and POOF he disappears. The Jewish schoolboy looks down and sees a coin that fell from the vanishing Irishman's pocket. He bends down to pick it up, fully aware that greed is a sin, and POOF the priest disappears.
Why I’m divorced.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’ I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids …. they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected. As I walked into my office, my hot boss, sam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when sam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, sam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, sam said, 'It's such a beautiful day … we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner. After arriving at her house, sam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.' And I just sat there …. on the sofa …. naked.