Instagram vs Reality
Officer: Where did the hacker escape to?
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
I don’t want to sound racist but…
Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me…
If con is opposite of pro..
then is Congress the opposite of progress?
I don’t get all the excitement surrounding Nintendo’s new product announcement…
My house is full of light switches!
Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”
Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”
Procrastination is like masturbation…
It feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself.
My teachers said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia..
But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.
I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex
But when the time came, I finally knew
Say what you will about Vlad the Impaler…
…the guy knew how to make a point.
Two years ago, my doctor told me that I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia….
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
The word nun…
…is just the letter n doing a forward roll.
How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop him a line.
FUN FACT: if you fart and sneeze at the same time
Your body takes a screenshot
You know, I really do love bad puns.
It’s just how eye roll.
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming… that was me"
I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.
I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight
My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing.
Sometimes you have to take a stand.
My dad died recently.
He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability
What do you call somebody with no body, And No Nose?
No-body-Nose
Is it still called beef when vegans fight
It depends on what's at steak
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
What do you call a popsicle that’s filled with holes?
A Popesicle! Get it? Because it's holy. My kids didn't get it either…
whenever i ask someone what is LGBT
i never get a straight answer
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches
But then I realized it would be a waist of time
Next time your wife is angry, give her a towel as cape.
Then say : now you are super angry! She might laugh.. you might die.
Lesbian bed
Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.