Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner
I’ve got nothing to hide.
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
I was in the bar last night and this guy said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!”
I asked, “Is that a fret?”
When it becomes apparent.
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
Hey babe are you a mechanical hard drive because you have an average response time of 2 years.
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
He identifies as he/he.
He said "I see you and I raise you."
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
I just came to that conclusion.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
Me: Thanks for reminding me
Y’know, one would’ve been enough.
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
I think it's flabbercasting.
The thieves made off with two medium cokes, a large bag of popcorn and some M&M’s.
I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.
If you take something else, that’s another thing
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Do they die hard?
It was just lowercase.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
You throw him into the mainstream.