Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
When you say one thing, but mean your mother
That's pretty sad considering that I loved her to the core.
A time traveller walks into a bar.
People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
Cum on guys
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
Then it clicked
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Police:Where do you live? Percy: With my mum Police:Where does your mum live? Percy: With me Police: Where do you both live? Percy: Together Police: Where is your house? Percy: Next to my neighbor's Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Percy: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me Police: Tell me Percy: Next to my house
I mean, what’s their porpoise?
I said, "Hi, do you do deliveries?" He said, "Yes, sir. Of course." "Superb," I said, "I've got a Domino's Pizza ready to pick up."
She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
I bet the people who invented hand sanitiser are rubbing their hands together.
You pull off the ring and then your house is gone
Neil before me.
No text found
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!" My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?" I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!" (This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways…)
A stroke of genius.
A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
Username checks out.
Is now a seasoned veteran
A good cop wears a goodge.
"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar." In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?" "No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less." The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."
Sadly, no one approved of their relationship. In the old days no one like mixed race marriages.
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
Boss: No problem. (3 days later) James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off. Boss: Wait a second…
I suppose you could say the owners had a minor minor miner problem.
Nobody has heard of herbivore
I don't know why he couldn't just do it himself.
How do I bury it
but when I do, he laughs
Nobody knew why.