Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
Why are gays bad at poker?
They can't keep a straight face
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
You can’t breathe through your nose when you’re smiling
Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
Now I'm a werehouse.
I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?
McDonald’s ice cream machine
Which vegetable likes to line up the most?
A queuecumber
r/NASAmemes is a new subreddit for space and NASA memes!
r/NASAmemesFeel free to join if you’re interested!
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
My first Dad joke after becoming a father
Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world! Him: crying Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.
Can a ninja throw stars?
Shurikan
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
Why did the condom fly accross the room?
It was pissed off…
A pun is not completely matured…
…until it is full groan.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
Has anyone else noticed that it’s the comedians that are speaking the most sense these days?
https://ift.tt/2VlQcmK
What do fish get high on?
Seaweed
A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man…
…and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby. He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do. “Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says. The Mexican responds, “How about $50?” The owner says “Fine, there’s a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage.” The owner’s wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That’s a whole day’s job!!” The man replies, “He should; he was standing on it. Not my problem if he didn’t pay attention.” A short time later, the Mexican comes to the door and asks for the $50. “You’ve finished already?” the husband asks. “Yes,” he replies, “and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him. “And by the way,” the Mexican adds, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s BMW"
A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”
So I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”
The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband. The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to flicking channels and stuffing food in his mouth. The wife stands up, obviously angry at her husband. And turn the TV off. “Now you look here! You come home late, don’t even say hello, don’t explain why you were late either! I bet you were with that harlot from work again wasn’t you? You said it was over, how could you do this to me! I cook for you, clean for you, and all you do is treat me like a slave! My mother was right about you! I even…. The man lays back on the couch, his eyes glaze over and he zones out. “Damn” he mutters to himself, “it’s started”.
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
A child’s laughter is the best thing you can hear.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
They always tried their best
They always tried their best
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
What’s it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car?
Peter Parking.
Three little old ladies were on a bench when a naked man walked by
The first little old lady… Had a stroke The second little old lady… Had a stroke But the third little old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.
My dad is forbidden from buying alcohol since he started working in the coal mine
They don't sell alcohol to miners
Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money
I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
Not a joke, just a thank you.
But seriously, thank you to everyone on this sub. I end my class periods with a joke of the day every day and I usually take them from here. There is never a day where the students don't unanimously sigh at the punch line!
There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they're always stuffed.
My wife told me that I have two flaws:
I never listen. Something else…