My boomer uncle shared this…
I’m a boomer, and this is deep
Donald Trump meets the Queen…
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
Phone rings…….Dad: What does the Caller ID say?……Son: It says Private Caller……
Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
Reddit got nothing on it
So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter
Which sucks because he had a great fall
I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Wholesome boomer <3
Found in the wild
What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given
Ok I’m not the only one
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
Happy Mother’s Day
save us raas-putin
Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
What so you call a letter with no friends?
Remember kids, don’t use floats unless you absolutely need to.
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow's got the udder!
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium Me: So there's no nickel in this cage? PSW: Don't do it Me: It's a nickeless cage PSW: LEAVE!
😂 Smile with Python
And also Stackoverflow for informatics.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He never lands.
What do you call a nose with no body?
The next time your gf gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and exlaim:
“Now you’re SUPER ANGRY” Maybe she’ll laugh Maybe you’ll die
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight
To fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare
What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?
I won't miss you.
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.
You can say… I solved the case.
No hate, of course!
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me
I went to the doctor…
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.” I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”
One of the worst nightmare
Old but #FFD700
This is about as deep as a flat surface
Science amirite bois
Why is my function not outputting anything
Or maybe we can’t afford them because yall destroyed the economy…
A military commander calls his soldiers and says: “the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!”
One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander. "Oh well…" said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden… so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of". So the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back. "So… what did you do to the mole?" Asked the commander. "Ohoh! Commander!" The soldier laughed: "I did the most horrible thing ever! Try to take a guess!" "Did you… cut it in pieces while it was still conscious?" "Even worse!" "Hmm… did you throw him to the rabid dogs?" "Even worse!" "Oh my god! What the hell did you do to that mole?!" "I buried it alive!"
I’m willing to try this…
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Well maybe I don’t want to be the bad guy anymore
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your Jeans.
I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog
It was a shitzu
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size
A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
A brief origin of lyme disease
Sounds like socialism to me
Wife: I'm pregnant. Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
Tabs vs Spaces
Jon Stewart on Bernie Sanders
I like both
I asked a pretty young homeless lady if I could take her home.
She said Yes, but didn't look pleased when I walked off with her cardboard box.
All he wanted was a friend
Super Tuesday in one photo
Next Summer I’m applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
We’re all just simulations anyway
It can’t be that bad.
When the scammers have a nicer font than Amazon itself