Intelligence 100
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
It translates to: Pero (the guys name) if you did not notice, I am wearing the same dress.
https://ift.tt/2XpzNP7
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
But then I turned myself around.
Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
There are two types of people in this world
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero
Don't worry, he's 0K
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Turtles.
She said hardback? I said yeah with a little head.
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing…
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks. The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano. “Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!” He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.” The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!” All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky. The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!” The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
What happens when a frog parks illegally?
They get toad.
What’s the fastest way to massacre snails?
A salt rifle
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies…
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.
But nobody will do it.
People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.
They haven’t done anything!
I once saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.
A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there’s a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.
A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says… "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says, "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. The man who wants to enter, having no beard eventually walks up to the bouncer and says, "I'm with the police." Raising an eyebrow, the bouncer asks where his beard is. Pulling down his pants, the man replies with, "I'm undercover." The bouncer lets him in.
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water
Number one, and number two
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
I am writing a drama on puns.
It's going to be a play on words.
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
I want to dedicate this Dad joke to my father, who is a roofer.
So Dad, if you are up there…
So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?
But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”
I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery
Hashtag nofilter
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
If you clean a vacuum cleaner
You become a vacuum cleaner
I left some change in my pants pocket
Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.
An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.
"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew. "But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew. "That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the Chinaman. "But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg…" "Goldberg, greenberg, iceberg…"
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
