Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!” officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
My dad’s star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died
He was attacked by a giant crab
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
I don’t often tell dad jokes…
Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
English memes are dank, but German memes are danke.
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I love the smell of my f5 key…
It is very refreshing
Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?
All the indoor fins.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident…
an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced constable waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said the officer. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constable said, "I have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked,"What could possibly be the good news?" The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?" The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
Steal everyone’s eyelids and no one bats an eye…
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind…
“Hey son, what are you drinking?”
"Soy milk" "Hola milk, soy padre"
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
If sounding my B’s as V’s makes me Russian
Then Soviet
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.
As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "How do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Why does no one know what happens after death?
It’s coffindential
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets
A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bustling bar and gets up to leave. . .
A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm gonna sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!" True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink, sits in the [now silent] bar and finishes his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he's just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, "Mister? What was it you done in Texas?" The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, "I had to walk."
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
My ex wife misses me.
But her aim keeps getting better.
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
I’m terrified of 2022
Because 2022 is 2020 too
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish."
How To Date During A Corona Virus Lock Down And Quarantine & Best Date Ideas To Do When Everything Is Shut Down.
https://youtu.be/r_yF1FNcH4Q
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
You know what happens every time I tell Dad Jokes?
He usually laughs.
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.
She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.
I’m bisexual
If i can’t get sex, I bi it
My wife offered me a blowjob today.
‘Really’ I said ‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’ That’ll teach her to be funny
My boss told me to have a good afternoon…
so I went home.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
No I don’t want to play who can act like a cat the longest….
No I don’t want to play who can act like a cat the longest….
a fallen soldier
a fallen soldier