Intelligent dog
I heard they came up with a millennial version of the Monopoly game.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
What do I do when my ice house falls apart?
Igloo it back together again.
I bought shoes from my drug dealer…
I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Last night I went to a Christian themed restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.
They also do take away.
What happens if life gives you melons?
You're dyslexic.
As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming…
Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!
Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!
He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!" Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my existence for years, taught others I don’t exist and credited my creation to a cosmic accident. Why should I help you?" "It would be hypocritical to ask you to show mercy on me," the atheist agrees. "But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" At that, the noise of the forest resumes, the river runs, and the bear drops to its knees, brings its paws together, and says, "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Can monsters do math?
Not unless you count Dracula
If you *still* don’t see the con, you’re probably one of his 62,985,134 marks
https://ift.tt/2RWnJny
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
I’m the spokesperson
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
Because the meat was Chewie.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.
"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said. "Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. The man replied, "These are Carol's."
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
I found a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
this ad….
https://ift.tt/2MOD46q
I was going to tell a time-travel joke
but you guys didn't like it
A presidential aide says to Trump; “Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night.”
"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested. "Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets." "Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited. "Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked by all the members of your family and cabinet. They were also very proud and happy, particularly your wife." Trembling with excitement and rubbing his hands together, Trump questions the aide: "And tell me, was I looking good?" The aide replies: "I didn't know, sir. The casket was closed."
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
A woman said to her husband “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
I got rejected from my job interview for coming 30 minutes early
The porn industry can go fu*k themselves for all i care
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas, it is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?
I will not die in vein!
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door…
A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy “No, they went in to town.” The boy replied “Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked “No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
Why did the melon have a traditional wedding?
Because it cantaloupe.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
