It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.
And my legs grew weak at the knees, my heart fluttered, and the butterflies started in my stomach. I knew, in that moment, I'd roofied the wrong glass…
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
It really came out of the purple
Well, some of the reviews say it’s just a waist of space
Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic. Dad: Never said I was a good one.
we just clicked
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
It's what he would have wanted…
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.
Day 5(?) of wfh. My co-worker insists on ‘reviewing’ my code but also brought along an external consultant called Dilophosaurus that only speaks in roars. They keep making additions to the code that end up giving loads of compile errors, but then blame it all on me. Not productive at all.
Because it was soda pressing.
But it's paper view only.
They were actually cooked in Greece
A good swearitan.
Because one egg is un oeuf.
if you guessed "heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you are wrong. The answer is "nun of the above" !
I mean, they are Minors.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.” She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange. The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to a full work-up on the patient. His temperature is good, his blood pressure is fine, blood tests come back normal… so the doctor says to the guy, "Everything physically appears fine with you. Let's discuss your lifestyle… tell me about your average day? Is it stressful?" The guy replies, "Not stressful at all, doc. See, I was born into money, I have never worked a day in my life. I have all I need; multiple homes and cars, beautiful art, women on my arm at any time, nothing is stressful! I literally just sit around all day, watching porn and eating Cheetos…"
but you didn't like it.
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.” With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?” The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.” “See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.” The father dialled the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father. “Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said: “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.” He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared: “Hello!” The father calmly said: “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home,
All the signs were there.