Interesting
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.
How does a Rabbi make tea?
Hebrews it
Why is it called the Dark Age?
Because of all the Knights.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasnât unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didnât know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, âHoney, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?â He hadnât and said so. Then she said, âTomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what sheâs really doing.â Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. âWell, is she selling drugs?â she asked excitedly.â âNo, sheâs not.â he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. âWell, what is it, then?â his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. âHer name is Sally and sheâs selling batteries.â âBatteries?â cried the wife. âYes,â he replied. âSally sells C cells by the Seashore.â
Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm
Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever heard from a guitar in your life. Sax player walks up and puts down his saxophone. Tentacles start flying, and the next thing you know, he's playing the saxophone like a master. At the back of the bar is an old Scottish man, who walks up in his kilt and lays a bagpipe in front of the octopus. Tentacles start flying, but no noise is happening. The guy, nervous, says "come on octopus, what's going on?" Octopus goes "dude, I'm trying to get her pajamas off, you mind?"
England has no kidney bank but…
It does have a Liverpool
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician…
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!" He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. "Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy." The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!". He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. "Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!" The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good… but I still think you are spy." The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other dayâŚ
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
I don’t always tell Dad jokes, but when I do he laughs.
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A sheepdog was working with a farmer to get the sheep into the pen.
When he was finished, he said to the farmer, "That's all fifty sheep!" Confused, the farmer said, "But I only have forty-eight sheep." The sheepdog replied, "I know. I rounded them up!" courtesy of my desktop dog calendar I got last xmas
6:30 is the best time on a clock
hands down
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.
When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?" The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath: "Irony," he replied.
Today a girl kissed me…
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
I would tell you guys a joke about this girl I know who only eats greens, however
You guys probably never heard of herbivore
You can’t run through a campsite
You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.
If thereâs one thing that makes me throw up.
Itâs a dart board on a ceiling.
My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth.
It was our first midwife crisis.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg
A drummer and her husband just had triplets. Their names?
Anna I. Anna II. Anna I, II, III.
What do you call a nose with no body?
Nobody knows
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe theyâll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…
Why does the Dalai Llama go to Vegas so often?
He loves Tibet.
I for one like Roman numerals.
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Day 284 without sex…
Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound
A Mexican magician said,
âI will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…â And he disappeared without a tres.