Interesting theory
Did you hear about the dad who swapped genders and now no one can find him?
He became trans-parent.
Doctor: Did you know that you have a severe inability to vocalize your emotions?
Me: “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
What did Yogi Bear’s sidekick call his injury?
A "Booboo!"
How much time do you have to fix your parachute?
The rest of your life.
How to you send an apology by telegraph?
By using remorse code.
My wife said she wants me to stop listening to Wonderwall…
I SAID MAYBEEEE!!
Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus ?
It wasn’t born yesterday
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves”
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria…
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The waiter asks him what he wants, and the Elk hesitates for a second. "Locomotive." The waiter is puzzled. "What?" "Land Rover." "Sir, that's not on the menu." "Lake Michigan." The waiter is unsure what to say. Frustrated, the Elk brings his leg up on the table to point out what he wants on the menu. "This is what I want." "Sir, you don't have any fingers… I can't tell what you're pointing at." "Just give me the damn spaghetti."
Why did Spiderman quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It’s quite bazaar
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
Why did the duck get arrested?
Because he was on quack
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with your point of view..
But I can see where you are coming from.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff…
Baa-dum-tssss
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been mocking me for wearing mittens…
…but I’m not going to point fingers.
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented candle.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Did you hear about the guy trapped inside of a giant cucumber at the bottom of the ocean?
He was really in a pickle.
I had donkey meat for the first time.
It tasted like ass.
Went to the swimming pool the other day and desperately need to pee so just peed in the pool
Got such a fright when the lifeguard blew his whistle that I nearly fell in..
Another ‘What am I?’
You can look me in the eyes, You will always see twelve. It'll drive you insane because back to front and upside down I look the same!
I would’ve told you a joke about infinity…
But I don't think there's an end to it.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
My wife and I decided not to have kids
The kids are taking it pretty badly
