Interesting title
I’ve been trying to come up with jokes about people who don’t exercise
But none of them work out
Why did the plane get sent to his room?
For a bad altitude
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark
“Anything these days,” I told my son.
He frowned a little. "What's that?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Huh?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "I don't understand. Explain?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. He sighed loudly. "Are you crazy, dad?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked. There was a pause. "Anything these days," I continued. At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!" There was a silence. "This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."
Two ladies in heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today…
It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
Why did the twin elephants have to leave the beach?
They only had a pair of trunks!
Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him
but this isn't even my final form.
Name calling does not a president make. He has the mentality of a spoiled child.
https://ift.tt/38EQkmd
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
Doctor, Doctor! I’m terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.
No one is willing to do it.
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he’s dead,
He's decomposing
Do you know the worst thing about the fire in Paris?
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay
They arrested me
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
My son asked me what procrastinate meant.
I said I'd tell him later
Hope we can still get it on
Hope we can still get it on
How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
My friend David lost his ID
Now he’s just Dav
I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book…
She laughed at me, and said "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
What’s brown and not very heavy??
Light brown.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,
but on the other, it’s just not right.
What do you call a cow that works out?
Beefy my 15 year old daughter trying to emulate my sense of humor.
I’m starting a charity about teaching maths to midgets…
I'm calling it "making the little things count"
Why do HK police go to work early?
To beat the crowds.
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.” He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…”
I’m so tired of jokes about gay people
I mean come on guys
What do you call a paralysed gay man?
A tomato, because most people will look at him and see a vegetable, but he's really a fruit.
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas…
It's big red flag
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
Great!
https://ift.tt/2lZyVSN