Into the Metricverse
I was at the zoo, and saw a baguette in a cage.
The Zookeeper said he was bread in captivity.
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"
This man’s boss said, “You can have a week off if you want to.”
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.
However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants. Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts. "The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced. The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life. Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches. "Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!" His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head. "If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?" Another head shake. " Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you." "I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily. "Who the hell pushed me?"
Do you know how ISIS elevator works?
You press the button and six floors come down.
I have an EpiPen…
My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.
What do you call a cheap cicumcision?
A rip off.
Me: “I bought my girlfriend a plant.”
Kid: "Is it real or fake?" Me: "Fake." Kid: "Of course, and what about the plant?"
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
And then she gave me a huge hug.
What do bees say to psych themselves up at the start of their day?
"Leeeeeetttttssss get rrrrrrrrrready to Buuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"
My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.
I said โDonโt worry weโll all be in the same boatโ
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish."
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
What’s the last thing a Tickle-Me-Elmo gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
My dad’s so cheap
That when he dies he'll walk toward the light and switch it off.
What type of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers
Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?
So they can Scan da navy in
A bar walks into Albert Einstein.
Oops, wrong frame of reference.
Heโs going to want legal immunity in exchange for leaving after he gets beat.
https://ift.tt/34feAtl
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: โฆI want a lawyer
What is a wise, old priest’s favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar
Why are Lawyers buried 12 Feet Under?
Deep down they're really good people
I called my boss this morning.
"I won't be coming today," I said. "My legs aren't working properly." "What kind of excuse is that?" He asked. I replied, "A lame excuse."
My obese parrot died the other day
Iโm very sad but I gotta say itโs a big weight off my shoulders
It is a poor musician that blames his in cement…
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
What’s red and bad for your teeth.
A house brick.
I told my wife, “You are so skinny.”
Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."
Iโm coming
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the construction worker and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
My friend send me this at 3am what is this question bruh ๐
My friend send me this at 3am what is this question bruh ๐
NSFW Whatโs the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
Due to the Covid-19 Quarantine…..
Iโll only be making inside jokes.
I had to get a loan to pay for an exorcism.
They said if I didnโt pay it back on time Iโd get repossessed.
Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said โParking Fineโ. So that was nice.