Invisible tape
A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having
Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”
I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
I saw a woman crying in the supermarket
So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit. It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 in the car park
How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?
Their username checks out.
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
You don't know what you're missing!
A fly felt something bite his back…
Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back" "Hey! What are you? A mite? " Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!" Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard." Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.
It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school…
"How was you English test today?" She asked "It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question" "What did it ask?" The mother replied "It asked for the past tense of think" "What did you answer it as?" The mother says. "I couldn't really figure it out. I thought and thought and thought and thought, and I finally wrote thunk"
A presidential aide says to Trump; “Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night.”
"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested. "Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets." "Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited. "Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked by all the members of your family and cabinet. They were also very proud and happy, particularly your wife." Trembling with excitement and rubbing his hands together, Trump questions the aide: "And tell me, was I looking good?" The aide replies: "I didn't know, sir. The casket was closed."
Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
I know global warming is bad
but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
Has anyone heard “Duvet Know it’s Christmas?”
It's a cover version.
Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”
Three friends stranded on a desert island find a magic lamp…
Three friends stranded on a desert island find a magic lamp. Inside is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. "I want to go home," says the first friend. The genie grants her wish. "I want to go home, too," says the second friend. The genie sends her back home. "I'm lonely," says the third friend. "I sure wish my friends were back here."
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
My sister bet me $15 that i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.
You got to hand it to short people
They probably can't reach it anyways
Heard about the man who painted his scrotum?
Pretty nuts
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”
Why did the butcher quit his job and become a cattle rancher?
He wanted to raise the steaks.
Who is Stan?
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
What happins if you can’t pee?
Urine trouble
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
When you say the word “poop”
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing" the woman says and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂
When I was in Nepal I decided to eat some roadkill. I asked the chef where he got it and
He said “Himalayan on the street.”
Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?
Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head. Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom? Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head. Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa? Mother: How about you stop fucking complaining, Coconut?