Iron Good
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow
its pasture bed time
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
My wedding was so beautiful
Even the cake was in tiers
“Hey honey, I’m pregnant.”
"Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!" "No you're not."
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’ She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’ The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it’ She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. ‘Do you have a vagina’? ‘Yes’ she says. The man replied, ‘That’s great! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’
Up next: How to sound good in a band. Stay Tuned!!
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I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.
A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
One more secret Trump is trying to keep: How much are taxpayers paying for his vacations
https://ift.tt/2NaNL34
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
A man is walking home late one foggy night…
when behind him he hears: BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and… The coffin stops.
My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2
He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
What do you call a gay couch?
A homo sectional
I think my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapon collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I have a horse named Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick!
..I had no idea anyone could stoop so low!
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday…
They have deep sedimental value to me.
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
dad, Is battleship a fun game?
It’s hit or miss
A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff.
Ba Dum Tss
I buy all my guns from a guy called “T-Rex”…
He’s a small arms dealer…
Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment…
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.
That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.