Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
I pinned a Rolex to the post just outside my house
It's the neighborhood watch.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually
Why do women seem so surprising?
Because everyone exclaims "woah man" when they see them
My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.
Until she checked the freezer.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me.
Anal sex is like getting your first crappy and old bike
You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it you anyway
One day I’ll pretend to be gay. I’ll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected…BAAM!!!
I'll have sex with their boyfriends
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn’t believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Safety. Remember that safety always comes first.
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad : No, it doesn’t.
So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.
Welcome back President Obama we missed you.
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
Someone told me my clothes looked gay this morning
I told them it was because they came out of the closet
I Couldn’t Figure Out How The Seatbelt Worked.
Then it just clicked.
Tom’s scrotum
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.) "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.) "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief.) The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum."
I don’t trust stairs
They are always up to something.
I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid
Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell people he was a vegan.
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas ?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
My dad as we drive over train tracks.
I think a train has just passed by here…. Why do you say that dad? Well look there,points….you can see it's tracks.
Donald Trump
[removed]
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
Why is “yacht” spelled that way instead of like “yot?”
Because why nacht.
You ever hear the one about the bad meat carver?
Yeah me either, he couldn't make the cut.
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered…
that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.
