Ironic homicide.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs
She was a mathamachicken
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.
Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.
What does Trump call kayaks?
Fake canoes
So a guy and his gf are making out
and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad. After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings. “Oh shit, I have an important package coming, I have to get the door. I can’t wipe this blood off my face fast enough!” said the guy. The gf tells him, “it’s ok, just tell the guy you were eating a jelly sandwich and didn’t have time to wipe your face.” So the guy goes and opens the door to sign the package from the mailman but notices the mailman staring at him awkwardly. “Oh this red stuff around my mouth is from my jelly sandwich, sorry about that.” says the guy. The mailman, slightly confused, says “Ohhhh… so is that peanut butter on your forehead?”
What liquid is considered the fastest in the world?
Milk, because it can be pasteurized before you even see it.
An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability
Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit
6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' … She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started..
The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.
If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.
Why can’t you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
Me- “Do you know in middle east most of married girls can’t even vote on Facebook opinion poll”.
Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east". Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".
I renamed my IPod to Titanic.
It’s syncing.
nooo you cant just increase released energy exponentially! Haha neutron printer go brrrr
https://ift.tt/36N0wJG
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room…
…a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
My friend received some land to build on…
He said, "Thanks, a lot".
Our friend Chuck hasn’t contacted us for months, so we renamed him Huck.
Because long time no C.
What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics
A bunch of dudes in cosplay who want to keep the status quo of constant mass shootings
https://ift.tt/2TJFWVZ
16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
No text found
People named Victor must be very successful historians.
Because history is always written by the Victor.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
There was a girl
There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
A man with 5 legs put on pants
They fit like a glove
5YO: “Dad, I’m hungry AND DON’T SAY HI HUNGRY I’M DAD”
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"