Irony died a million deaths!
Kids don’t know how good they have it
When I hear all the people complaining about the Nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine
“Russian Roulettes are safe”
-5/6 Scientists
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
If I started a band called “Ceiling”…
Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”?
A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller
“I want to open a fucking checking account.” The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $500 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”
I’m sick of people banging on my door and asking my if I have found Jesus
It wasn't my turn to watch him, and to be frank, if you didn't want to lose him you should have used bigger nails.
The past present and future got into an argument while camping.
http://bit.ly/2BE6vBp
A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.
The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose." The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"
Wanna hear a joke about construction?
Wait, I’m still working on it.
What can’t cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
My wife just told me she was pregnant…
True story. I used this as an opportunity to tell my first Dad joke: "Hello, Pregnant. My name is Dad." Dumb, but I don't care. I'm on top of the f'ing world right now and nothing can take me down.
A young woman is at her doctor’s appointment when the doctor says, “Ma’am, I’ve got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant.”
The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be…" She pauses for a moment. "…Kid-in-me." After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?" The woman says "It was totally birth it."
I have a friend who really loves to count.
I wonder what he’s up to?
How long is a Chinese name.
It really is.
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
Two priests were driving in a car and got pulled over.
The police officer said “Hello gentleman, we are looking for two child molesters” the two priests talk quietly to them selves for a moment the turn the the officer and one of them says “Alright Officer we will do it!”
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sisters underwear.
I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
A man walks into a bar in Vegas.
He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish." The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it." So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?" The bird is silent as a stone. "Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?" The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the cash, sir, and have a nice night." As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me ten bucks!" The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"
Why is suicide illegal in china?
Destruction of state property
Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!
I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken came in a different box
Most people don’t know…
…but back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Who is the coldest comedian?
Bill Brrrr…
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
I’m really excited about the new movie about tractors that is coming out soon.
I just saw the trailer.
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am
Is it The same shit different day?
A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there’s a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.
A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says… "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says, "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. The man who wants to enter, having no beard eventually walks up to the bouncer and says, "I'm with the police." Raising an eyebrow, the bouncer asks where his beard is. Pulling down his pants, the man replies with, "I'm undercover." The bouncer lets him in.