Irony is dead of a self inflicted gunshot wound
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
cries in toshiba hdd
Hey babe are you a mechanical hard drive because you have an average response time of 2 years.
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s brain…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?” he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00." The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?" "That's obvious!" the assistant states. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture…"
What does America have that Canada doesn’t?
Nice neighbors.
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size
A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Well… Here goes nothing
No text found
V
V Edit: my CTRL key broke
“Dad, is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?”
“Nope. It’s as easy as 1,1,2,3.”
What is it called when an amputee does karate?
Partial arts
Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you’ve stepped on their tails?
It's your Yelp score
What do drugs have in common with cheese jokes?
I don't know, I just like meth and feta memes.
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad she said she was never going to play Scrabble with me again!
Shout Out To My Grandpa
Because Thats The Only Way He Can Hear Me
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
I was so embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I managed to cover my tracks.
As I slipped my finger inside her hole….
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat", I thought to myself.
3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.
3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough. The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be extra careful to not step on a duck. The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and POOF! She's suddenly handcuffed to an even UGLIER guy! The last woman made VERY sure not to step on a duck. And she never did. Until one day, POOF! She was suddenly handcuffed to a gorgeous man. She asked him, "What did I ever do to be handcuffed to you?" He looked at her and said, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife…
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?
Never mind, you won’t get it.
I really owe a lot to sidewalks.
They've been keeping me off the streets for years.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
But then I turned myself around.
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies ?
Twobearculousis
I just heard that Kim Jong-Un is sick
Guess that makes him Kim Jong-Ill now.
xi jinping has coronavirus
He is now called winnie the flu
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A – meano -acid
What do you call your grandma on speed dial?
Instagram.
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
What’s the suicide bomber’s worst fear?
Dying alone.
I walked into my girlfriends bedroom yesterday without knocking.
As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
A man named Ranger
A man named Ranger was going out to a bar to have a few drinks. His roommates told him not to drive if he got too drunk. Ranger asked his roommates how he was supposed to get home. “Walk or text us Ranger.”
A cow got into the marijuana field…
Now the steaks are high.