Is 66 million greater than 63 million? Republicans say “NO!”
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
I was an iWitness.
Doctor: Did you know that you have a severe inability to vocalize your emotions?
Me: “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
They’re finally making a movie about clocks…
…it's about time.
Don’t try to get a career in counterfeiting.
You won't make any real money.
You can do better
You can do better
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
Nobody gave me a straight answer
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]
Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck
Why are you still guarding it?
A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 privates guarding a bench. He went over there and asked them why do they guard it. "We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did!" He searched for last commander's phone number, and called him to ask him why did he want guards in this particular bench. "I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition". Going back another 3 commanders, he found a now 100 year old retired General. "- Excuse me sir. I'm now the CO of your camp. I've found 2 guards assigned on a bench. Why did you put them there?" "- What? The paint is still wet?!?"
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
What is an opinion without 3.14?
An onion.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
Why did Shakespeare always write using a pen?
Pencils confused him…2B or not 2B?
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
I’m so good at sleeping
I could do it with my eyes closed
My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places….
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No text found
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
My brother said, “What rhymes with Orange”
I told him no it doesn’t
Like my silver medal did for me at the Catholympics…
…prove that you're second to nun.
Mud
No text found
I asked the toy store clerk where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were.
She replied, "Aisle B, back"
Going to open a new restaurant …
I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant…I am calling it Juan-Ton
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.
I’m about to start a religious movement.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure.
An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.
The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies." The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him. After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"
Knock Knock
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"