Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart
“Son, what’re you drinking” “Soy milk”
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
Why can’t you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because their P is silent
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
Why did an old man fall into a well?
Because he couldn't see that well
What do midgets and dwarfs have in common?
Very little.
Beethoven’s grave
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
I’ve just been informed that my six year old son is not mine
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.
No really, you can’t make this up.
Police arrested two kids yesterday
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
College girl visits the doctor for an exam…
Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra." So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest. Doctor says: "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love." Doctor: "Ok you're finished, send in the next girl" Next girl comes in and the doctor says the same "Take off your blouse and bra" Sure enough there is an imprint of a U on her chest. Doctor says "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to the University of Utah and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love" Doctor: "Sounds about right, ok you're done send in the next girl" Girl comes in and removes her blouse and bra. This time there is an imprint of a M on her chest. Doctor says: "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Michigan right?" Girl: "No doctor, but I have a girlfriend that goes to the University of Wisconsin."
A black boy walks into the kitchen…
…where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”
I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.
She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?
All that was left was de Brie.
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A bus full of children
After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, “did you just hear that elephant?”
She's going too be a great dad someday.
Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
i have a hicky from my date with a wizard last night
she was a neck-romancer
I take Viagra for my sun burn…
It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep. Obligatory: Thank you for the silver and gold, kind strangers! My first awards ever.
Why did the sculpter evacuate his house?
He had a mold problem
Pornhub premium users are like jesus
They pay for our sins.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said, “That’s …. a big step.”
6:30 is the best time of day.
Hands down.
What do you call a yeti tattoo on your stomach?
Abdominal snowman
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
My chem teacher actually makes quality memes. We’re learning about bonding types.
https://ift.tt/39owHQm
Just got my daughter
My four year old was watching a Disney movie while I was in the kitchen. The app we use for Disney on the tv is horribly unreliable (Disney life on amazon firestick), randomly freezing or restarting whatever we're watching. Anyway, I'm scoffing a cake I don't want her to have when I hear a shout. "Daddy, the film is frozen." I go through, look at the TV and tell her "No it's not, that's Moana." I think it's the first time she's both gotten one of my jokes and appreciated how crap it is. Her eye roll and "ugh" brought a tear to my eye.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Cause they lactose
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
My wife is amazing
She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.
I said “Don’t worry we’ll all be in the same boat”
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, “I cum in peas.”
