Is dark matter to physics what Kevin’s number to Dunder Mifflin’s account department?
People are dying all around the world just to mess with your loser president *eye roll*
https://ift.tt/33vbr99
Why do Americans go fishing with guns?
Because a group of fish is called a school.
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
Two scientists walk into a bar…
The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!" The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms." The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed
Knock knock
Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Sorry I prefer Google.
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop…
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors…
The John Lennon Airport has been quarantined
Imagine all the people
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
The head Nun….
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
I poured my root beer into a square cup…
Now I’ve just got beer…
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes…
A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.
Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart." The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this meal."
Cell Realignment machine allow the sick to live normal life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL73BOpg7G4
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
Did you hear about Bert the brown nosed reindeer?
He's second behind Rudolph but can't stop as quickly.
My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body
I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle