“Is Glass Really A Liquid?”
But don't worry, it was B9.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
It's a Sikh wall.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
Don’t worry though, I don’t feel anything currently.
you would have more bed room but less bedroom
They said "Almond."
I said, "Hi, do you do deliveries?" He said, "Yes, sir. Of course." "Superb," I said, "I've got a Domino's Pizza ready to pick up."
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
I don’t mean to brag… but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it’s an extension of my soul.
It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.
I said i paid for it, it IS my cheese.
Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.
It's just a mediogre movie.
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one. Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.
I'm going to put my glasses on..
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it
Boo tea. (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.
One shoots but never hits, the other hoots but never shits.
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
She still isn't talking to me.
The doctor told me to take the candles off next time.
They've been keeping me off the streets for years.
She said Yes, but didn't look pleased when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.
Because it wasn't apparent who did it.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."