Is it just me or is 21 pilots 19 more than they need?

What’s up with dat!?

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…" The father was furious. "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family – I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK Dad, as you wish." the daughter replied. "I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club. And I have an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." The father stopped her, "Now what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff… A prostitute Dad!" "Oh! Sweet Jesus!" he replied, "You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant.' Come here and give your old man a hug!"

but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing. To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot tree. Finally, he takes his axe up to an 80 foot redwood, swings, and the giant tree comes tumbling down. The boss is amazed, and asks the man how he learned to do that. The man says "I practiced in the Sahara forest." "Don't you mean the Sahara desert?" The boss asks. "Well yes," says the old man, "that's what they call it now."

No ones given me a straight answer.

No text found

How dairy!

The bartender says we don't serve your kind here, The mushroom says, why not? I'm a "fungi"!?

I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord

I added some fruit and orange juice—now she’s sangria than ever.

Me: "Please don't fart here." Dad: "Why?" Me: "Because they don't have Windows."

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then offer a spoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath." "I understand," he replied. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon and the teacup." "No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

I said "what’s that?" she said "lay down an I’ll show you" so she went to squat over my face. as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time. with that I jumped up an said "I’m off, I’m fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 of them"

I only had him 3 hours and he made a bolt for the door.

ouch

I said “Is that a fret”

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”

Aye matey.

No nut November

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…

As a part of Brexit negotiations, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will remain the official language of the European Union rather than German, which has been regarded by many as a better choice. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

You can't tell me that's a coincidence

It's a really small number, you've probably never heard of it.

True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked “how do you feel?” Without hesitation he replied “with my fingers” and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled “good one!”

I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."

I walked up behind her, placed my crotch in the center of her ass and gave a thrust. “Excuse me!” she shouted. “I’m trying to put a load in the dishwasher!” “Me too”, I replied.

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle. Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn’t Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa’s little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf

It was cooked in Greece

I guess you could say it was bread in captivity

I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair

Because they’re two tired

You need professional kelp

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.