Is it so?
My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records.
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
Two wrongs don’t make a right…
But two Wrights make a plane.
A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other…she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully: Are my test results back?"
Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn't want to elect ron
How does Harry Potter get down hill?
Walking! JK Rolling!
I’ve spent two years looking for my ex’s killer
But no-one will do it.
Whenever I’m sad my friend always says “cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water”
I know he means well… Edit: WOAH! my first silver. Thank you anonymous stranger!
I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
Please don’t make pandemic jokes
They aren't funny unless everyone gets it
I showed my lawyer the damaged remains of my bag and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
A German pushes his brother off a cliff
"look mom no hans!"
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
Y’know, one would’ve been enough.
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants!
I would tell you guys a joke about this girl I know who only eats greens, however
You guys probably never heard of herbivore
Why couldn’t the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water. Butane is lighter fluid.
A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers
“Yes,” he says. “My dad taught me.” “Can you tell me what comes after three?” “Four” “What comes after six?” “Seven” “Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?” “A jack,” answers Little Johnny.
I’m one of the best barbers you’ll ever meet. The only thing I’m bad at is bleach highlights.
But that's just splitting hairs.
Welcome to camouflage training
I’ve got to say I’m disappointed to see so many of you here
We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?
Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over…
As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.
I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?" I replied, "Certainly," and took it off. Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well. Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too. Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?
You get NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!
How does Wesley serve your steak dip sandwich?
Au jus wish.
The first 10 incarnations of Winnie the Pooh were so cute.
XI is just a fucking asshole.
In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised…
A colon can completely change a sentence.
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
I’m not going to bed tonight.
Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.
What do you call an Irishman that bounces off walls?
Rick O'Shay.
True fact: Before the crowbar was invented….
….most crows drank at home.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
