Is that Bea Arthur?
The mirror told the echo…
The mirror: you should see yourself right now The echo: meh, I've heard it all before.
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.
I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night. I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”
What kind of music does a balloon liseten to?
Pop! Also this is my first joke, so sorry if someone has made it before but I haven't seen it yet
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
After sex I like to cook for my husband….
He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.
I have a complicated phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex complex. Credit: my buddy Drew
If a woman sleeps with ten men she’s a slut.
But if a man does the same thing, he’s gay. Like really gay.
Why are there no cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica?
Because they're ice-o-lated
Otherwise
No text found
I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog
It was a shitzu
When you say the word “poop”
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?
Our helpline is open 24/7!
I’d like to tell you my corona virus joke.
Hopefully you won't get it.
A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”
Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife” First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?” Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
A little known fact…
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
I’m not an apologetic Canadian…
I'm sorry, I'm just not
I hate dying
It will be the last thing I do.
One time I bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
I love telling dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Does my thai girlfriend have a dick
Something inside me is telling me yes
Did you know that the secret service can no longer yell “Get Down!” when the president is in danger?
Now they have to say, “Donald, Duck!”
Just called the tinnitus hotline
It didn’t stop ringing
My favourite laws
1. Thermodynamics – energy cannot be created or destroyed 2. Murphy’s – anything that can go wrong will 3. Cole’s – thinly sliced cabbage
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
Why is the paper glowing?
Because the paper is light.
At your time of life…
A very old man told me this story. "I finally left my house to go out to the store this week, and who do I see but my pastor comes walking over to me with a Bible under his arm. And this fella, he says to me, 'I haven't seen you in church recently.' Well that made me made, because you know, anybody who knows me knows that I've been in my house for the last two months with the virus going around. And he can tell I'm mad, but that doesn't stop him. This fella goes to hand me his bible, and he says 'A man of your age and your condition, I think you need to start thinking about the hereafter. Now, I've outlined a few passages that I think you ought to read.' But I pushed it back into his hands, and I say 'Pastor. You can keep your bible. I don't need it. I think about the hereafter every damn day. First thing when I wake up in the morning, I walk into the kitchen, then I go into the bathroom, then I go into my bedroom again, then I go back into the kitchen and stand there looking into the icebox for twenty damn minutes wondering…. now what was I hereafter?' "
Turned up late to a cannibal lunch…
Got the cold shoulder 🙁
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said “Plethora”
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough…
At least, that’s what it says in her diary…