Is that like a personal attack or something
The other day I drank a new kind of tea that is made by steeping a book in hot water.
Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty
These fireworks are so annoying
It's all I've heard all year
What did Tennessee?
The same thing that Arkansas.
I’m divorcing my wife…
"I've had enough, I'm going to leave her." "Why?" "She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past mightnight and I'm fed up with it". "What's she doing?" "She's looking for me!"
How do you identify the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant If it floats, it's buoyant.
Man:I am done,i am suiciding. Woman:If you are going down throw out the trash
https://ift.tt/3b882iR
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
When is the best time to commit suicide?
Ate a glock in the morning.
Leather armor is perfect for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
Real dad joke story time.
I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, "what can we tell about courtly love." To which I respond, "well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain." No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke.
I wanted to post a joke about sodium
But then I was like Na, people wont understand.
Mother in law dies
A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. βWeβll ship her home,β says the husband. The undertaker asks, βAre you sure? Thatβs an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.β The husband says, βLook, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just canβt take that chance.β
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
https://ift.tt/2vazgX4
Ever heard of the group of religious cannibals?
In Sundays they eat fishermen.
How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?
They twerk from home.
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
How do you get an old lady to say the f word?
You get another old lady to say βBingo.β
What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?
They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
My calculator is missing the minus button….
But on the plus side it still works.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Accordion to a recent study, 90% of people didnβt realize
I put an instrument at the start of this sentence.
Before I became a dad, I was truly concerned that I wouldn’t know how to be a good father
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
Joke
A mother asks her son: "Bob, do you think Iβm a bad mom?" – Son: "My name is Paul."
Life is like a dick
Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever. Too bad life is short.
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath…
…but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath…
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.