Is that my wife or should I pay her?
there would be mass confusion.
My wife said she was leaving me because, “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework!” Selfish woman!!
It took me hours to mop that carpet!!
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
To get to the other slide.
Dad: Spell! Kid: Spell who? Dad: W… H… O…
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
they are a non-prophet organization
A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost…
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
It’s completely my fault
I thought to myself, “now that’s a little condescending”
Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her.
Such a random way to start a conversation.
We’re neighbors now.
I can't read a fucking word now.
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
I’ll show him!
A can't opener.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far
One goes ba dum tiss, the other is da bum kiss.
You spend too much time on the web