Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
Got my dad with this one
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”. Got a good laugh out of it.
The bartender says, “we don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
The hip consultant
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”
Don’t date tennis players…
Love means nothing to them
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's fully groan.
Today my son asked, “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Please never ask me if something is electric
Because I only have one response and it's "boogie oogie oogie".
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…
Why did the snail paint a S on the side of his car?
So when he drove by people would say, “Look at that escargot!” You’re welcome.
Roman guy: You won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Second Roman: mmm? Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many
What did the one eye say to the other eye?
Hey Between you and me… something smells!
I think my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapon collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Friends are like snowflakes:
When you pee on them, they disappear
I once bought shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?" The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small. "Um…barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs. Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help. A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!" The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup. Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl. He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey…I'm…Tom." She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking…" she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?" He glances back at the bar. "Yeah…sorry," he pants. "I wanted…to impress you, but…it turned out to be…a pretty cheesy…pig-cup line."
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange
:Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI. Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Whose car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too!
A nazi walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!" The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that jew!" Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazis direction. The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew". The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the jew smiling broadly at him and waving. Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?" The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar"
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
What do you call a dinosaur that explodes?
Well I don't know but the Dinomite
My dad asked me the other day: “Are you even listening to me?”
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once…
That's me in the corner.
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
My wife just complained I wasn’t listening and walked out of the room
Weird way to start a conversation.
Did you know centipedes have a faster top speed than humans.
They run at 100 feet a second
What should you call an average potato?
A commen-tator!
Dr. Geezer
An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.” Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to win $1000. He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and says, “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Aaagh! This is gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young gets annoyed and returns a couple of days later with another plan to recover his money. He enters the clinic and says, “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Oh no you don’t, that’s gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your memory back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young, angry after losing $1000, comes back after several more days. He enters the clinic and says, “My eyesight has become weak, I cannot see anything!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s your $1000 back,” and hands Dr. Young a $10 bill. Dr. Young quickly yells, “Hey, this is only $10!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your vision back, that will be $500.”
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work…
We were able to lift his coffin.
Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship?
I’m asking for a friend.
I’m not sure what shocked my mailman more
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.
Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.