I never understood how glass worked
But it's clear to me now.
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.
Why is it tough to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She keeps running away from the ball.
Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?
When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail
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Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks." Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them." Sylvester says, "Let us hear it." So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers." That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!" "And who will you be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach."
I won today.
After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit… I quit being your son." Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning. It was glorious. *Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk
If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?
In Google Docs.
¿Que? ¿Como? ¿Porque? ¿Donde?
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
What did the DJ name his son?
https://ift.tt/338Kd76
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
I once ate a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
What do you call a dad joke when it gets old?
A grandpa joke
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
The fact that this happened at a private school is crazyy
The fact that this happened at a private school is crazyy
I ate a clock today.
It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
Why couldn’t the Mexican archer use his bow?
He didn’t habanero.
Five blondes walk into a bar
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
“Hey dad, I’m taking a shower”
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
A penguin is driving his car
A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream."
“You’re 1 joule per second, Harry!”
“I’m a Watt?”
Nympho on a plane
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
My brother came to me and said that he didn’t understand cloning
I said that makes two of us
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert