Is this bad practice?
I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike…
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.
What do you say to a jedi who you do a favour for?
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?
Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.
Despite what you think, earthquakes aren’t perfect
They all have their faults.
What do the twin towers and gender have in common?
There used to be 2 of them and now it’s a touchy subject
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your Jeans.
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.
He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
Accordion to a recent study, 90% of people didn’t realize
I put an instrument at the start of this sentence.
As a man, I consider myself a friend and ally to the LGBTQ+ community
I, personally, have helped several women realize they were lesbians.
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven. If not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct. The mathematician also went to hell. The idiot stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from ?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." The idiot went to Heaven.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.
The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries. "So…" he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?" "A shark bit off me leg." "And the hook?" "An enemy pirate cut off me hand." The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories. "What about the eyepatch?" "A seagull pooped in me eye." "A seagull caused that? How?" The bartender questioned. "Well, 'twas me first day with the hook…"
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
he won the no-bell prize!
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery…
I’ve had it right up to here with them!
Don’t be mad at lazy people
They didn’t do anything
I need to get rid of my Theremin,
I haven't touched it in years.
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.
People named Victor must be very successful historians.
Because history is always written by the Victor.
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
An Irishman applied for a job working with the local blacksmith.
“Have you ever shoed horses before?” the blacksmith asked him. “No,” replied the Irishman, “but I did tell a donkey to fuck off once.”
I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.
I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian
Then soviet.
what do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid 😂.
A blonde joke
Two blondes are walking down a country road. They come upon a fence along a field. One blonde looks across the field and says "Hey, look at the flock of cows!" Her friend says "HERD of cows, you dolt". And she replies "Of course I've heard of cows, theres a flock of them over there".
Someone called me average today.
That's mean.
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
In Alabama, we don’t do the Reverse Cowgirl
We never turn our back on Family
Remember having sex on a regular basis keeps your memory alive!
Hope you all have a great Christmas and wishing you a merry 2014
My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me “Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland?” and it’s getting really annoying
My Friend asked me “Are you mad at her?” I replied “Don’t you start too”
I knew i recognized live-action Firelord Ozai from somewhere
I knew i recognized live-action Firelord Ozai from somewhere