Is this irony?
Working out is like a drug to me
I don’t do drugs
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
I love playing catch with my kids.
But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
Hello everyone 23 (F) here.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Anyone else?
Anyone else?
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.
Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn't Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa's little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
The Earth used to be flat…
Until they buried yo momma.
Did you hear the police are on the lookout for a psychic midget?
Yeah, there is a small medium at large.
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling. (original: r/jokes)
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
Me being tempted by all the languages I tell myself I could learn while under quarantine.
https://ift.tt/2xLOKlw
The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.
Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.
In America, dogs are K9.
In China, dogs are E10.
I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.
She looked surprised.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants
Anyone want to help me make a TV show about Abraham Lincoln?
The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.
When a woman is giving birth she is literally kidding.
No text found
Who has time to worry about 2,363 Americans deaths, when Trump is happy with his ratings
https://ift.tt/2WRHUW0
I saw a midget climbing down a prison wall.
It was a little condescending
Someone told me my clothes looked gay this morning
I told them it was because they came out of the closet
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
My cousin’s allergic to shellfish, and I giggled as I told him I put clams in his soup.
You should've seen his reaction…
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, “Remember Leonardo Di Caprio.”
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police." I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man. I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house