Is this one?
I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought
“I can't turn that down.”
Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?
Not enough people really talk about England very much
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
Dad jokes?
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
My friend Jay just had twins and wants to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
How do you upset a vegan by email?
Send them some spam
It’s cool that last names tell us about old family professions
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths and the Bowman family were archers and the Dickinson family… well they were in jail
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be a mass confusion
I keep asking what LGBT stands for
But I never get a straight answer.
My cocaine addiction is getting out of hand
It's time to draw the line.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
Kung Fu student asks his teacher: “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform.
She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
So I got a virus on my computer
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.
A man came up to me and said “Man, your clothes look gay”.
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.
He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!” “Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day
One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
Then I realized my whole life was a joke.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler…
Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back.
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
3 guys end up at the pearly gates…
St. Peter asks the first guy if/how many times he had cheated on his wife. He answers twice. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Honda Civic. The second guy gets asked the same question and he responds once. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Harley Davidson. The third guy gets asked the same question as the first two people and responds never. St. Peter says, “Good job staying faithful,” and hands him the keys to a Rolls Royce. A little while later while riding the streets of Heaven the first guy in the Honda Civic rolls by the third guy in the Rolls Royce. The first guy notices the third guy crying and asks, “Why are you crying, you are enjoying your after life in a Rolls Royce, while I am stuck in a Honda Civic.” The third guy responds, “I am crying because I saw my wife, she was on a skateboard.”