Is this true, friends?
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
"You crossed the wrong guy."
There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
It got removed from other community but I think I can post here. Too good to let it pass…
https://ift.tt/2X4DFVt
My Dad says I hammer like lightning!
I never strike in the same place twice.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
I had sex for 3 hours last night…
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
My uncle used to breed and sell parakeets…
they were flying off the shelves but he switched to chickens and they didn't take off. So he tried ducks and then it was all bills, bills, bills.
When 2 people have sex, its a twosome. When 3 people have sex, its a threesome
Now I know why people call you handsome
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's a really small number, you've probably never heard of it.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.
I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I have had a Canon printer for years.
Wanna hear something funny? Quarantine.
It’s an inside joke.
Where do man-splainers get their water?
From a well, actually
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
I do really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flys..
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom..
If my girlfriend had a dollar for every time I made a sexist joke…
she would have $0.77
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie…
…for Ash Wednesday.
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile
by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
A police officer says to a couple: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire”.
They ask "Arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
If I won 298 million, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
I saw a frenchmen playing a Wii.
He called it a Yes Box.
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland
The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks.
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts, but it was really a lack of Control. I see this as a fresh Start, I thought I would never Escape.
How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?
Because Noah was standing on the deck Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago