I sent this to my mom and she really liked it. Thanks boomer comic artists :)
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My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasnât awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh!
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day
The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.
Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose. Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?" She says she doesn't know. He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!" The teacher, surprised by this answer yells "Johnny! I do NOT tolerate such language in my class! Also, a recorder has 10 holes! Not 6!" Little Johnny says "Yeah I know but I didn't know you could fit it all the way in!"
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired
I farted in Burger King
It was an absolute whopper
I’m thinking of removing my spine
It's only holding me back.
What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now it's aware wolf
I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore
Golfing with a hitman
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them. "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up". Sure, they said, youâre welcome. So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" Iâm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!â was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." That's a beautiful telescopic sight,â said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here". So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom". "Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her……He's naked, too!!! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man. âHow much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" âSure, what do you want?â "First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. âAre you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . . "I think I can save ya a grand here."
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
My wife broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
A weekly newsletter of unhinged email chains sourced from thousands of real boomers
https://boomer.email
If you see a Spanish person tell them “mucho”
It means a lot to them
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven. They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was killed protecting them from being hit by a taxi." "Very good," says God. "You will sit at my left side." God turns his attention to the second dog and asks, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The second dog responds, "I was a police dog for 12 years. I was shot and killed trying to subdue an armed bank robber." God smiles and nods. "Very good. You will sit at my right side." God now looks at the cat and begins to ask, "What did you –" The cat interrupts, "You're in my chair."
The mystery of childbirth.
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, âHow was I born?âHis mother awkwardly answers, âThe stork brought you.ââOh,â says the boy. âWell, how were you and Daddy born?ââOh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.âThe boy begins his paper, âThis report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasnât been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.â
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
I love the way the Earth rotates…
It really makes my day.
Itâs easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But itâs harder to deter gents
I’m so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches…
He said only thyme would tell.
How long does it take to master the art of Italian cooking?
Time cannoli tell
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight….
There would be mass confusion
Whatâs Ironman without his suit?
Stark Naked
I just finished reading âTwenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea.â
The entire novel was a sub-plot.
How do you get America to enter a World War?
Tell them it's almost over
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says âyou take all those cows over there and round them up into one big groupâ The other says âwhat?â The first cowboy says âyou herdâ
AFL, one of the most well-known security fuzzer, recently has got purchased by Google. I was upgrading my own code modification based on the pre-Google version AFL to the recent Google-owned newer version, then I found out they “civilized” some of the developer’s comment. Mildly interesting.
https://ift.tt/2NdkW57
And the winner for best neckwear goes to…
Well, would you look at that. Itâs a tie.
Here’s how to fall down stairs:
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 10 Step 15 Step 19 Step 23 Step 35
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
Just got married, the wedding was so beautiful and emotional!
Even the cake was in tiers!
A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet….
The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site. "This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare." "So why are we here then," the guy asked, "we can't settle here, oxygen must be very rare." "We are not here to settle, kid" the Chief said "we are here to export. It's the biggest stroke of luck the Gaia Company has had since we found that big diamond inside Jupiter. We'll all be very rich after this, you can count on that." They travelled in silence after that until they reached the settlement gates. The new guy couldn't believe his eyes. "The buildings are made of gold!", he said. "Not just gold , it's alloyed with one part platinum and one part radium, to glow at night." When they entered the settlement the guy was even more surprised. "A nuclear reactor at every home?" "Yep, Uranium's as common as dirt here. You just have to dig two inches and there it is. Also very radioactive, that's why we had the ground covered with gold to keep the radiation contained. Now we just supply the uranium through pipes." The guy saw some people carrying large bags down to their houses. "Who are those guys?" he asked. "Scientists. The old buggers are very happy nowadays. All the elements that had to be artificially manufactured on Earth are naturally occuring here. They have been conducting experiments since the day we came here. Some of them haven't been seen for six months." They travelled like this for an hour until they finally reached the Department of Communication. "This is where you are assigned kid" the Chief said "Radio wave communication doesn't work very well here, all the radioactivity in the atmosphere interferes with the signal. So we are going old school, telegraphs. Your job is to manage the lines and look after the posts. You will be the Department Head. There are 20 guys working under you. Come on, let's meet some of them." They walked a little while until they came to a forest. The guy couldn't keep his jaw shut. The trees were made of metals. Some of them were glowing radioactively. Some were burning just by exposure to some oxygen. Some were made of gold, some of platinum, some of silver. "I don't believe this." "Well, it's right in front of your eyes. We brought some trees from Earth to plant here for the oxygen. But things changed. The guys from NASA tell me that because of the lack of common elements found on Earth, the trees had to make use of what they could get. So here we have trees of every precious metal – gold, silver, platinum – you name it. We cut them off and send them to Earth. Pretty soon they're going to become common as iron but till then make hay while the sun shines, right? We don't use them for making the posts as they are actually quite soft and the people try to steal them. Here we also have trees of Seaborgium (chemical symbol Sg, atomic number 106), Flerovium (chemical symbol Fl, atomic number 114) and Oganesson (chemical symbol Og, atomic number 118). All very rare and very important, the guys at NASA are paying us very big money to supply them. They say it's the biggest find in Chemistry since Lavoisier discovered Hydrogen." The Chief was talking while they walked. He stopped near a plantation of trees and pointed to them. The new guy looked at a bunch of trees, silvery-gray in colour, shining smoothly in the moonlight. "Now those are the trees you are interested in", the Chief said. "Made of pure Rhenium (chemical symbol Re, atomic number 75). The fourth or fifth rarest element on Earth. Very strong, third highest melting point, highest boiling point, denser than lead, not affected by strong alkalies, sulphuric acid, hydrochloric acid or even aqua regia. It's the perfect metal for this job. Strong, sturdy and not radioactive. That's what we have been using for the posts all this time." "You don't mean to say…" the new guy began to say. "Yes," the Chief cut him off, "this place is full of Re posts."
Iâm really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
I failed my decimals exam
But hey, at least I gave it 109.98%
‘Our love withstands our flaws, imperfections & shortcomings’
‘Our love withstands our flaws, imperfections & shortcomings’
I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms
And theyâll all be open from 11 to 3 daily
When does a pun become a dad joke?
when it becomes apparent.