Isn’t it ironic…don’t you think?
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
You can do better
You can do better
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
he was very self absorbed.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine
i’m so sorry
Q: what did the scientist say when they found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
Assistant to the President: Sir, there’s a crisis – somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar’s Up left in existence.
President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me. Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir … President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved! Assistant to the President: Sir … President: What is the bad news? What human being could be that stingy that they wouldn't give me this movie? Assistant to the President: His name is Rick, sir. President: Rick? Assistant to the President: Rick Astley, and He's Never Gonna Give You Up.
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
When mom walks in…
When mom walks in…
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day
I heard they're going to give him a tough sentence
From a young age I wanted to play guitar very badly.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
I don’t often tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
What do you call a person who doesn’t wash his hands after pooping?
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake….
There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. EDIT: holy crap this is my most upvoted post. Thank you all!
What did the bald dad say after receiving a comb for Christmas?
I will never part with this.
The doctor told me I’m colorblind
Yeah. It really came out of the purple.
[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug
A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed. The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.” The husband said, “And if I’m interested, I’ll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.”
I had my first date last night.
I think I’ll stick to raisins.
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.
In order the figures were: 1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David. After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time. 1) The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. 2) The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. 3) The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. 4) The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. 5) The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads: "Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!"
The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.
They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equipment is not as great as the FBI’s but they still look very prepared. After two days, upon finding no rabbits, they conclude that there is no rabbit, there never was, and everybody was lying to them from the start. Finally, the KGB go in. Everyone is afraid for them, as they are going in with nothing but a couple traps and a baseball bat. However, to everyone’s surprise, two days later, the KGB come out with a bear, who is bloody and bruised. One of the members pokes the bear in the stomach and the bear starts screaming, “I AM A RABBIT!”
Why do hippies drink herbal tea?
Because property is theft
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely…
…if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I used to know a guy who did circumcision [NSFW]
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips
A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
Obama: “we continue to wait for a coherent national plan to navigate this pandemic”
https://ift.tt/2VzdwyN
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
I got rejected from my job interview for coming 30 minutes early
The porn industry can go fu*k themselves for all i care
Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no