Isn’t it ??
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
"I want my guitar back."
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-do! -Dad
Because they're really good at it.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
It writes other words too.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
They both know how to hide their bodies.
I'll let you know.
I meant to buy a bottle of whisky On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky So I decided to drink it all at once right there It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea
During breakfast the next morning, Billy asks Mom "Why do you jump on Daddy before going to bed every night?". The Mom, looking over at Dad with a embarrased expression, says "Well, your Daddy gets very fat every night eating dinner, so I have to jump on him to get his stomach flat.". The Son says "Oh, well, that won't work.." said the Son. The Mom, now curious, asks why not, and the son say "Well, as soon as you fall asleep, Ms.Dollip (Their neighbor) comes in and blows him back up again."
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapse
We just clicked. I am sorry. So, so sorry…
But I called her Bluff.
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
A pigment of your imagination.
I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.
Well, I don't know where to begin.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”
Me: You pick. Her: You pick. Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick. Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sitting there calmly…
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
The way they pronounce unionized
There was an old picture hanging on the wall of me and my Brothers. It turns out that when the picture was taken, I was living in a completely different frame of mind.
Dad: In the US Son: Which part? Dad: What "which part", my whole body was born in the US
SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS.
you throw him into the mainstream
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"