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Irishman and the Priest
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. ''Father'', he confessed, ''it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'' The priest told the sinner, ''You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ''Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'' This time, the priest questioned, ''Who is this Nookie Green?'' ''A new woman in the neighborhood,'' the sinner replied. ''Very well,'' sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ''Is that Nookie Green?'' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ''No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."
What did the melon say when his girl asked him to run away and get married?
I love you honeydew, but I cantaloupe.
A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing
The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
How does Bono spell “color”?
With or without "u"
I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
There are are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
I used to know a guy who did circumcisions
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips.
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
They were watch dogs.
Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?
They found Himalayan in the street!
I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
Global warming will kill every single person on this planet,
It's a good thing I'm married…
I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I don’t have enough karma
What do Japanese cannibals eat?
Raw men
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
How to 69
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
Why do lamps make people happy?
They bring delight. My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning. He is going to be a great dad one day.
[NSFW] What do you call a group of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin'off
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
My son was refusing to eat dinner, so I tried to force feed him.
My wife said, “Use the fricking spoon. You are not a Jedi.”
What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
There‘s one less drunk.
Imm so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace
The situation changes however, when I run out of children
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?[NSFW]
Smallpox HAPPY TURKEY DAY!
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.
There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married. "If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest. One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?" "Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple. "How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple. "It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond. "And how about you two?" He asks the young couple. "No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend. "Tell me why," says the priest. "Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened." The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church." "We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend
The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.
Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar." The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?" The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license" The woman: " don't listen to him. When he is drunk he says stupid things!" The man on the backseat: "I told you not to ride in a stolen car!" A voice from the trunk: "did we cross the border?"
My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up
I'm an only child 🙁
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building.
Security stops him and says there are no firearms allowed in this building.
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
If my son refused to sleep during nap time …
Is he guilty of resisting a rest
I wonder what my wife’s favourite US state is.
Maybe Alaska.
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
1. 2. 3.
A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.
The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted – "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?" The old man replied – "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson".
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples
You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".
Ironman’s favorite Christmas present this year were rockets he can fire from his feet.
He calls them missle toes.