ISWYDT, Patti Smith
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish
I can't stop coming to conclusions
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
Starts with an F and end with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!” His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.” “Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “ohh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.” “Noo”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.” “But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out “I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?” [NSFW]
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
A soldier ran up to a nun
A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied: "He went that way." After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq." The nun said: "I understand completely." The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… I don't want to go to Iraq either!
Bit true innit?
Bit true innit?
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
….but his brother Frank was a monster…
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
What’s the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day, but on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer…
The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer. Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says: — What, have you never seen a naked woman before? — That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.
Why did the baker go to work?
He kneads the dough.
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
If you were anti-pencil, would you be eracist?
No text found
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear…
Is sphere itself
The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
I bought myself a gun a few years back after an attempted robbery
Since then, I have been a lot more successful in my attempts
My earliest clear childhood memory is going with my parents to the eye doctor.
Life before that is a blur.
An old Soviet joke I found on Wikipedia slightly adapted by me.
A frightened man runs into the KGB offices. “My talking parrot has disappeared!” He yells at the receptionist. “That’s not the type of case we handle, go to the criminal police” she responds. “I know that,” he stammers “I just wanted to tell you officially that I disagree with everything the parrot says!”
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in
She said, "You can't do this to me!" I said, "I know… that's why I'm doing it to her.
Some people have difficulties sleeping.
But I can do it with my eyes closed.
As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers…
So I have. She's 25 and her name is Candy.
My girlfriend is a half-Korean
Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.
A-merry-ca ‘ristmas, reddit
from all of US!
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Here you have some cocaine, but remember
With great powder comes great responsability
I’ve met a noble Russian homosexual
His name was Sir Gay
It’s absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.
If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?
Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
When my friend said I knew nothing about Asia..
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other…she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully: Are my test results back?"
I looked longingly into my beloved’s eyes and whispered “A…E…I…O…U…and sometimes, Y.”
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left