It all makes sense now
The first Karen to get covid was….
My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down.
I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place
Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?
Neither because they’re both stuck up cunts
I’m Mr. Meeseeks look at me!
The girl with no arms and legs laying by the pool
There’s a girl with no arms and legs laying by a pool. She's tanning and enjoying herself when a handsome guy walks by and grabs her attention. She yells over to him and asks if he can help her with something. The guy feels bad for her so he walks over and asks her what she needs. She says, “Well you see…I’m a virgin, and you are a very good looking guy." The guy looks at her confused as to what she is hinting at. She continues, "I've never had sex before, and I've always wanted to get fucked." The guy responds, "Oh I see what you mean now." So he throws her in the pool and says, “Now you’re fucked.”
There once was a young engineer,
who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing. The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set. He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success. He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing. The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn't think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris. It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy. Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"
They were OK with it then
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
Me at the bookstore: Do you have any books on turtles?
Cashier: Hard back? Me: yea, with little heads.
How did it get past the editors?
Cries in broke
What do you call a cardigan that you don’t wear anymore?
Fibonacci is my personal trainer.
Thanks to him I did 89 push ups in 10 seconds.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.
He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?" The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave." "You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."
mobile phone bad
R u ok
Politicians aren’t allowed to play Animal Crossing
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care.
Dad Joke Witnessed IRL
Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?" Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is." Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)
Mom is never wrong
Stolen from twitter
Pink Panther’s To Do List
To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Doooooooo
I always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
Found on an Instagram meme page
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
Only the finest Spaghetti code in town
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
It happens to the best of us
Science teacher are bad with children
Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She keeps running away from the ball.
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
I hate people who watch street performances but never give the artists any money.
But then I’m a mime, so I can’t really talk.
Probably to get her husband off Twitter.
Light at the end of the tunnel
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says “Terror”
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
Engineering Degree: Expectation VS Reality RUSSIAN EDITION
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
Survival of the fittest
No Kidding Only Coding, A funny satirical article on daily dilemma of an Indian Parent
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
Cannot think of a more appropiate one
A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.
"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed – even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out. A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside. Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes. He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep. "Gimme some whiskey!" roars the giant. The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle. He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head. "Can I… can I get you another?" asks the bartender. The giant just shakes his head and says, "Naw, I can't stay for too long. Didn't you hear? Big Jake's comin'!"
What did the reindeer say to a kid before telling them a joke?
“This one is gonna sleigh you.”
Mods are asleep, upvote C#
Stay off our roads… and my lawn
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Oh god they’re onto us! quick, act normal!
A Guy Picks Up A Hooker For The First Time.
They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks: "Oh my god, what is with your toes?!" The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger" They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they're all wrinkly and it's indescribable. "Oh God! Your Knees! What's wrong with your knees?!" "Oh I had KNEEsles when I was younger" She lifts up the bedsheet and says: "Yeah looks like you had smallcocks too"
Sad music plays
Socialism for me, but not for thee
I could watch this all day.
When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.
Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.
What do you call a teenage boy’s bedside diary?
You can’t hide from the truth.
Here’s a picture inside of the busiest railway station ( Howrah Station) in India!
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
Why did the tomato lose the race?
Because she couldn't ketchup
Yup, I’m sure *that* is why Trump resonates with you.
You have what?
Looks like we’re left with Celsius I guess.
This bookstore display
Movement type of Drip
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot… do you want to *fuck us*?'”
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots… to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"
A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff.
Ba Dum Tss
It’s that time of year again.
One night a viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out the window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife was confused and asked him "How do you know?" He looked at her and responded "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." Edit: Oooh my first Silver, thank you very much whoever you are!
Wanted to give you a laugh
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who was scared of negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.